Yes... well... that was certainly an interesting week ... and not a whole lot of fun. I'd forgotten how when we're truly still, our stuff catches up with us and how that's when the demons dance. We all have them. They take the shape of fear and rejection and insecurity. They cause us to doubt our direction, our purpose, and every decision we thought was right. Where they can make trouble, they do and often - in the end - it's good because when the demons dance, we're forced to deal with whatever it is they're dancing on about even though we'd rather not.
The first thing I wanted to work with last Monday was the second hand dress I'd bought from Diane. What I hadn't mentioned previously was that Diane asked for the dress back. She said that she'd been giving it further thought and wasn't quite finished with it and so if I wasn't already too attached, she would like it back. I'd spent the previous night thinking of ways to take it forward from dress to skirt so I said I was attached and would prefer to keep it - and that was fine - but - naturally - the first thing the demons did was tell me that I was mean... and uncooperative... and who did I think I was refashioning Diane's dress... and did I know who she was... and did I know who I wasn't... and... as I said... not fun.
I cut across the dress at the highest point possible with the side opening and then finished the edge with a facing before tucking it to size. In the front, I folded the tucks and held them in place with machine stitching along the edge and embroidery stitching at the fold. Immediately, the demons pointed out how my stitching differed from Diane's and how I had needed to take an extra horizontal tuck between the buttons. Most likely, they said, you cut wrong.
The fabric is linen which stretches with wear so I wanted the garment to fit snuggly. In the back, I folded tucks and machine stitched them in place but left off the embroidery stitching. The skirt fits smoothly over my high hips and into the curve of my waist. It's quite flattering but, as you'd expect, that's not what the demons pointed out. They wanted to know if - with the waist snuggly fit - had I noticed that my front waist was bigger than my back waist and that my back hips were bigger than my front hips. Did I know I was deformed? Did I know I was fat? Did I really think I'd look good in this skirt?
And then I made more horizontal tucks - to even out the distribution - and the hem - and there they were again. Excuse me... they said... your tucks are not as exuberant as Diane's tucks and really, do you not think that she had it balanced already and now you've "ruined" things.
Last Monday was also an interesting Internet day. My web host had problems that they explained in acronyms which surely meant something to someone but not much to me. All I understood was that service would be intermittent until the acronyms got themselves back together again. That took until Friday which meant emails were periodic and I still don't know if I've received them all. Along with writing the blog only once that week, the loss of emails made me feel incredibly isolated, as if I was dealing with decisions and demons all on my own.
I received numerous compliments when I wore the skirt to several appointments on Thursday and again on Saturday while shopping with a friend. At my favourite boutique, the owner asked what designer I was wearing. I was even stopped on the street to ask where I'd bought my skirt. I replied that a friend and I had made it and the demons tried to chime in not really, that in reality Diane had made it and I had messed it up and who was I to claim friendship with Diane... BUT... I knew better. Together, we made it and it is and will be the ongoing inspiration that I wanted it to be. LOVE the skirt. It makes me feel fabulous.
On Tuesday, I started working on refashioning a sweater. After removing the trim and cutting off the ribbing, the sweater and I basically boxed around each other for a couple of hours until I did something irreparable - cutting up center back - and then immediately regretted it. Instead of the spur on to greater things that I had hoped it would be, it was an abrupt halt. For the rest of the week, I did nothing but walk in and out of the studio and eventually I bagged the sweater and put it away and read... romances... and The Emotionally Healthy Woman and The War of Art.
In an earlier posting I wrote that while listening to Diane and Marcy's talks on the first day of the workshop, I'd received the message only for you and that the words were clear but not the intent. They could mean either that I was to create only for me in the sense that the final product was to be mine or that I was to create only for me in the sense that I was to follow the tickles of my heart and ignore any other issues... like selling... or exhibiting... or pleasing others on any level... or making money or... I knew that create in this case referred to sewing.
Coincidentally, both of the books I was reading - and even the romances - shared the theme of what do you want which was Diane's last question to our group. That's a surprisingly difficult question for many people to answer and I think it's sad to go through your entire life without connecting with the things at your core that make you uniquely you. For me, those things always contain an element of creativity only this week I started thinking about them from a different - more holistic - approach.
Holistic health is your emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, and relational health. I added creative to be even more specific and then started asking myself what do I want less of and what do I want more of in these areas. The answers were not completely surprising although not always pleasant. In the end, I don't have the energy to do what I want to do on my own nor the connections to help me make it happen. Reality is that I can't have what I want no matter how many times I reincarnate that desire. It's time to acknowledge that and pick a new direction.
On Thursday, I was sitting in the waiting room at my hairstylist's salon watching another stylist work and I could see that she was enjoying herself and that she'd known the client for some length of time. They were very comfortable together. It made me think. Hairstyling is creative, it helps people feel good about themselves, it includes components of teaching, it's 1-1 with a variety of interesting conversations, it involves dressing up and getting out of the house, and it pays better than a minimum wage job.
I've been a licensed hairstylist since 1984 although I haven't worked in the industry for over twenty years. When I did, I really enjoyed the work and was good at it. With the life experiences and creative learning I've had in the middle, I think I'd be even better now. Sitting there, it occurred to me that with some upgrading, I could go back to work within a few months and answer several of the what do you want questions with one decision. So I am. At the end of July, I'm taking a color course and if that goes well in terms of my reaction to smells, at the end of August I'll take a classic cutting course and in October a creative cutting course.
I debated a return to hair styling a couple years ago and what held me back was the cost - which is significant - but I'll figure it out somehow because it's time. I need that change in my life. I don't want to continue doing what I've always done and getting what I've always got.
It'll be only for me.
It'll be Monday to Friday as long as I have something to talk about - LOL.
Talk soon - Myrna
Grateful - It's Canada day. I'm thankful to be living in such a wonderful country and to have the opportunities I have.